*Suicidal Thoughts* (could be triggering)

Showers are a dangerous place.


When I got in there... I just sat down at the bottom of the tub like I used to do when I was a little kid. Only, when I was younger, I would sit there and cry. I don't cry anymore... so I just sat there. And I started thinking... and I guess it's a good thing I didn't bring my razor in there (I only have one since I'm home)... because I just wanted to cut SO badly. I didn't care where I cut. I just wanted it to be deep. Deeper than any of my other cuts... and I wanted to watch it run to the other end of the porcelain white tub, staining it red. I wanted to lay down with the hot water washing over me and just watch it may it's way down the drain... I would never know how much I lost because it's gone after that. And I wanted to do that until I couldn't anymore... and then just close my eyes and let the red turn to black. And that would be it. All of this would be over.

Make it stop.

I'm having a really hard time... finding a reason to live right now.


I have nothing going for me... and I don't leave my room... if I do, I don't leave the house... and on the RARE occasion I do, it's because my family dragged me out with them and I don't have a choice.


I can really feel myself falling deeper into depression. ALL I want to do is fucking cry! But I can't even do that! I can't even fucking CRY! That's how much of a failure I am. 


And I still hate everything about myself. Everything about the way I look. Everything about my body. I still have zero friends. I have no one in my life. No one here for me. I'm fucking lonely. I know for a FACT that no one is EVER, EVER going to want me.


And some of the suicidal thoughts are coming back... slowly... but getting stronger when I allow myself to let them in. And it's like... I know when it gets really bad, I don't think about anyone or anything. But I know I would never want to hurt anyone in the way that killing myself would hurt them. It's just too much for me to be alive right now. Always. I can't do this. Life is too overwhelming. I just want this all to go away.

I should stop taking these...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	High
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Low
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

Another day passed by... and again, I haven't done SHIT.

I'm such a fucking waste of a human...

I haven't been updating... and I want to go to sleep soon... but yeah... life sucks. I went almost 2 months without cutting but... yeah, I knew that wouldn't last.


As far as B... he kissed me 8 days ago... then I didn't hear from him for a few days... now it seems like we don't talk as much as we did before... I mean, I might just be paranoid. I know he has work and his friends and everyones home from school for winter break. But yeah... haven't seen him since.


I on the other hand have no friends. I'm just slowly wasting away. I have no new years plans, as usual. Why would I? No one wants to hang out with me. I fucking hate having no friends. I hate having no one. I hate that I'm wasting away... but there's nothing I can do about it.


I didn't have any diet pills today cause I ran out... I'm sure I'll be stocking up on more tomorrow. Maybe getting some stronger kinds cause I have Christmas money... ugh... I. My chest was bothering my yesterday. shouldn't


I'm having more frequent nose bleeds.... I used to wake up with just dried blood but it's starting to get a little worse. Still not serious though. 


I tried iron for that and the vertigo feeling every time I move but- no help.


AND I think I've got you all caught up on my shit life. It's boring. I sit around all day and click random shit on the computer. I shower. I go to the gym on occasion. I haven't been tanning in WAY too long.


It's funny... something I've noticed... my wrist just doesn't look like my wrist without a few fresh red lines on it.


Ughh... whatever. Goodnight.

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High-Moderate
Dysthymia:	Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	Slight-Moderate
Cyclothymia:	High-Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	High-Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

God Damn..

So I didn't get out to get any more pills yesterday so today I didn't have any and of course didn't get a chance to get out and buy some until like 6pm so I've had this massive headache all day- still do. And then on top of it I just got my fucking period like 2 hours ago. God dammit! Fucking female problems. So anyway.. yeah.. I just finished packing most of my crap up and I'm just laying in bed now. I'm leaving early tomorrow morning and I'll be back sometime Monday night. Woo! 


And I finally started taking iron supplements last night so hopefully that'll help out with the dizzy spells, fuzzy feeling, slight bloody nose every morning -_-


Gosh I have a fun life!!


No. Okay... I'm done now... lalala :)


xx

What really gets me in the holiday spirit?

Christmas in Hollywood.


Hah! That's terrible!! But yeah... I dunno... it just came on cause I have my Christmas playlist and I think part of this whole super loneliness thing goin on right now and missin J is because 1) I'm home for an extended period of time and 2) we usually spend winter break together and we used to drive around every year just looking at Christmas lights and blasting Christmas songs like Christmas in Hollywood and sing along... well... I would sing along. 


I dunno... and I really wanna go look at Christmas lights... I just have no one to go with. I dunno...


I may or may not see B tonight. It depends what time he gets back from school. I'm leaving for a mini vacation early Friday morning. So if I don't see him tonight I won't until I get back. Which is only Monday night (but he might have work that night). I dunno...


Anyway... I have to get changed and go get my nails done. Then mall all day.... well... shower/laundry (jeans included) then mall, mall, mall.


I need shoes for this weekend. Ughh! I hate shopping.

I need to turn my brain off for a while

Everything with this new guy is going really well. Hopefully I see him before I go away this weekend cause I didn't see him at all this weekend... I mean... I think things are going well.


So this morning I was just on facebook (which I'm actually not on much anymore) and I was just going through peoples profiles. First one of the girls I was friends with from kindergarten through 17/18 when I lost all my high school friends. I have a feeling if anything happens with this guy I'll be seeing her a lot more... she's going out with one of his best friends...


And then I was going through my pictures... and like... that wasn't too bad... I didn't get far enough to get to the skinny pictures but like J commented on pretty much all of them and like a lot of them were taken with her when we were hanging out or whatever. 


We haven't talked since mid-summer. I deleted her on facebook a while ago. And now I guess I was just startin to miss her. Or maybe just miss having friends in general. Like, I really feel like I have no one. I have T and K who I love but I rarely see either of them. I just feel like such a loser. 


I'm not good enough for anyone. How will I ever be good enough to be in a relationship with someone if I'm not even good enough to be friends with? 


Ugh... fuck my life.

Soymilk..

dinner of champions -_-

Thin.

I can feel bones... I can almost see bones... but it's still not enough. I'm still not thin enough. I'm not thin at all. I'm still not happy with my body... I'm closer... but not happy. 


I've been doing my best to eat healthy. I haven't been overexercising. And I've started to ease up on the diet pills...


But I'm still not thin enough. I just want to be thin.

Saturday Night...

So first of all... B is fucking gorgeous. Like.. for real. 


Anyway... he came by Saturday night with a bottle of wine and we sat down in my basement and talked for like 2 hours (he had to go somewhere but he wanted to stop by and say hi). 


But like... I mean... he's super sweet... and really nice... and I don't get like super shy around him or anything...


But he is WAYYY to good looking for me. Like... I dunno.


But anyway.... I walked him out and he gave me a kiss on the cheek again and I might see him next week (might because he may not be around) but regardless, I think I'm gonna hang out with him over winter break.


Yeah.

Storytime!!

Welcome to my life at 3am where I've been smiling like an idiot for the past hour!!


Okay... so let me tell you about my most amazing night (I have to try not to get too carried away though because I don't want to get my hopes up).


So to start... I'm going to go back a few days... I think it was like Tuesday or something... so I'm on facebook and actually signed on so people know I'm online (which I rarely do). And I was talking to someone on facebook chat and out of nowhere I get a facebook chat from this guy. Lets call him B. So I don't know this kid... I know we went to highschool together... but we've never met... but we're friends on facebook so yeah okay. So he was like "wow ur a cutie.. =]" to which I responded "thanks...?" anyway... it was sort of random but we started talking.


He asked if I wanted to go out for a drink Friday night (tonight) and we exchanged numbers and text pretty much everyday since then... I think yesterday was the only day we didn't talk at all.


So anyway we were gonna go at like 11pm... it ended up being later but whatever... 


So he said that he couldn't go out for drinks cause his friend was home this weekend and he asked him to hang out or whatever... but he wanted to come by and say hi. So he came over and we sat in my living room for like 40 minutes talking and then he left.


So I pick up my phone a few minutes after he leaves to text my friend and tell her how cute this guy is and there's a text from him "ur cute =]" and as I'm sitting there like OMG how do I respond to this, I get another text... his friend was tired so he wasn't going over there... so he came back and got me and we went out for a drink (it's now like 1am, haha). 


So we were there for like an hour and we talked about all kinds of things and it was SO much fun. And when he dropped me off he walked me to the door and gave me a kiss on the cheek and said he would let me know when he was off work tomorrow and if it was okay, we could maybe see each other again? To which of course I said YES. Haha... but it was so nice. And once I got in the house I washed my face and then picked up my phone and had a text from him saying "ur cute... had fun tonight". 


It's just so nice that for once a guy isn't trying to just get in my pants. He treated me like a person and it was so nice and hes SO cute... ohmygosh! I like can't even... and I was so worried cause he's super cute and I'm well... me... and I was so nervous and now I like... don't think I have to be :)


Okay... story time is over. That was my amazing night... and now I'm still smiling like an idiot. It's all good :)

Dear Eating Disorder,

You've stolen so much from me... I know you're not around as much right now... but the effects are still here.


I've been fighting you so long I basically have no friends. I have no one to call, no one to hang out with, no one to talk to- my social life has gone down the drain.


I still hate my body. I know I'm taking steps toward taking better care of myself, but you've told me so many lies about everything that's wrong with me I'm finding it hard to see past all that.


My hair may look decent from far away... but it's so unhealthy. No one see's it falling out in the shower but me... I'm the one that sweeps the floor after I blow dry it, I'm the one to clean up the mess before anyone else can see it.


I can't stand up without everything going all fuzzy... and if I'm left standing too long, I fall over... who does that?!? What have you done to my body?


I still see and feel all the fat you told me was there... I can't even go shopping for new clothes because I know you'll cause me to have a breakdown.


I'm still here though... and I'm still fighting you.
I know I can be better than this.

Askdjskhf!!

I ate too much today... I barely took any diet pills... I skipped my last two dance classes... oh my god I fucking hate myself right now... I'm gonna take some ex-lax now. I hate this. I fucking hate it... and I've been trying SO hard not to cut. Tomorrow will be a week (if I can make it through the whole day). Honestly though... I doubt I'll make it though tonight... maybe... but tomorrow? Doubtful.


I might skip dance tomorrow night too... I need to smoke. SO badly. Gahhh... fuck this. 


I have SO much work to do... and still haven't done any of it... most of it's already late. Fuck... 

And my face is breaking out SO bad... I hate that. I hate breaking out. I hate my face.


I'm so over this.

I'm so fucked up...

It's one thing to have suicidal thoughts...
It's another to be taking those seriously and have a plan...
But you reach a whole new level when you start writing your suicide note in your head....


Don't worry... I'm feeling a bit better than earlier... and I'm about to go to bed, so nothing's going to happen... not that it could have anyway... I don't have all the things I need...


It just scares me that I think like this... I mean... I've been frozen on the bathroom floor surrounded by blood, razors, and pills... I mean... I've never really overdosed... I've taken enough to feel like shit the entire next day... but that's about it. I've never cut deep enough to need stitches... in fact, majority of my scars are pretty faded... I have a few that I know will never fade... and I have some that have faded a little... but being that I know they once formed the bright letters of "F-A-T"... it's still visible to me...


When I'm in that kind of situation... I don't think... about anything...


When I have suicidal thoughts... I tend to plan it out... think of how I would do it... maybe wonder how long before anyone thought to check my apartment... how many days it would take for someone to notice...


But this time I was thinking more of my family and the people I would hurt (hence the note)... I honestly think that knowing my actions could hurt people has been what's pretty much kept me just at having these thoughts and never really getting much further.


If I kill myself... people might be mad at me. If I starve myself to death, it's the eating disorder that kills me. I'm sure people would still be hurt... but it would be different because the blame would be on the eating disorder- not me. 


I just... I feel like by starting to write a suicide note I'm trying to ease their pain... I feel like subconsciously I want to have that letter so if I'm ever in that place again where I'm just not thinking... that I'm covered.


I seriously don't know what the hell is wrong with me.


And to make things even worse... all of this... and not a tear. Not one. How heartless can a person be to be thinking all of these things and thinking of their own death in this much detail and yet not shed a single tear??


I'm just seriously fucked up.

I don't get it...

I just want to be skinny...
I want to be pretty...
I want to be a natural beauty and not have to worry about ever wearing makeup...
I just want someone to love me...


I'm sorry. I know that's too much to ask...


It's just... all these things make me want to scream and cry, they make me starve myself, they make me cut myself, they make me bleed... 


And then I just hate myself more.
And then there are just more reasons no one would ever want me...


I've already fucked myself up too much for anyone to ever want me...
It's too late.

Ha.

Cut yesterday...


Went to therapy...


Those aren't related at all... but anyway, my therapist told me he wants me to see a doctor before our next session to get a few things checked out in regards to the diet pills.


I finally agreed to it just to get him to stop talking about it.


I'm not going.


I guess I'm done with therapy.

I Don't Know What's Wrong with Me

For no reason at all- I just feel like complete and utter SHIT.


I want to disappear, I wish I didn't exist right now. I'm super tired... my body is tired... my head is tired... I'm just fucking tired. I don't want to move. I'm laying under a blanket with Teddy right now. I want to cry... but I don't know how. I don't want to do anything... I don't know why I feel this way. I just want to crawl into a cave for the next 3 weeks, what the fuck is wrong with me??

What?

So tonight I got a, "stop getting skinny, asshole!" from one of my friends... 


Part of me... is like... what? I'm still losing weight?!? Cool! That's just what I want!!


And the other part of me is like... I haven't lost any more in the last few weeks... actually, I probably gained... I'm having a really bad body day... I feel so gross and disgusting...


I really am having a bad body day though... I just can't stand the fact that I might not am probably not seeing what other people are seeing at all... but I know I'm not skinny... I STILL can't even get into one jean size down... so yeah... these ones might be baggy... but I can't get my FAT ASS into anything else!!!


I want to cry- but of course nothing is fucking coming out. How do you make yourself cry?!? Oh my god.... fuck my life.

I hate myself right now....

I should probably just go to bed.


GOD DAMMIT!! Why can't I just fuckin' cry like a normal human being?!?

Crap....

I should probably make dinner... or have something to eat... but I don't know how.

Gerard Way is my hero.

Copy/Paste from my tumblr...

I found this interesting...

So in case you didn’t know- I’m a pilates instructor and I had a private session with my teacher today. So I have lots of alignment stuff going on and I’m constantly in pain, whether its my back, my hip, my shoulder, my wrist, more of my back, my whole pelvis, a different part of my back, ect… I don’t remember ever NOT being in pain.

Well today my teacher said something to me that I can’t stop thinking of… she said that I need to figure out what’s going on emotionally that’s making me hold on to being in pain. Does that make sense? I mean it does to me… but like… it’s like I have some kind of contant NEED to feel pain. And of course when she said that I immediately thought of cutting… and how that’s painful (not in the moment but afterwards). So anyway… I just found it interesting. 

The good news is that I'm on my period and haven't cut (it started on Friday, I believe)... which is a first. I did cut between periods since the last one but I think today is the 27th day. Let's see how that goes. 

I've been back at school for 5 weeks and JUST got off the phone with the counseling center to start individual therapy... yeah I know... 

But the woman who schedule's everything is in a meeting until 4 and I'm in class form 4:30-7:30 so I'll probably miss her call. 

My tummy hurts right now... I don't feel like going to class/dance and I really have to study but I hate missing. Gahh!! So annoying. I have to take a quiz tonight and study for my midterm in the morning... boo. I haven't started shit yet.

Anyway, just wanted to mention the emotional block relating to pain- I mean, it makes sense... I know that physical pain is much easier for me to deal with than emotional pain and it's like... if I'm in so much pain that all my attention is going there, I can't think about anything else... anyway... that's all.

Trying to try...

Okay, so here's the thing... I think that I'm trying to try. It's just that- emotionally, recovery is so fucking hard... and I want to recover- I really do... but starving my emotions away is so much easier. It's like... if I just hide behind counting calories planning workouts then I don't have the time to thing about everything else. There's nothing I can do to change my fears... I mean... I do want to be happy. I do want to love myself... but it's just so damn hard, ya know? 


I was listening to Marianas Trench - Perfect nonstop for days... but I've moved on to Haven't Had Enough and this line is my favorite:


stuck now, so long, we just the start wrong
one more last try, imma get the ending right


It just relates to recovery and my recovery process so much... like... I've been trying so hard to recover, but maybe I started from the wrong place? And I do feel stuck... and like I've gone a tad bit backwards. I was actually told to think of this as a rest rather than struggling. I like that... but I also feel like, rest is easy... I could just stay here and rest forever, ya know?


Anyway, I think I have more to say but I got distracted in the middle of writing this and now I have to get to class.

I'm not okay right now...

I can't even bring myself to explain right now. I should shower... but I just can't bring myself to get up...

Fuuuuuuck

Still sick. Even sicker, actually. I would rather have the flu or a stomach virus over a cold/sinus infection ANYDAY.


I feel like I've eaten too much today but I'm just going to accept that and move on.


I was reading old posts about C earlier.... like the one when we had a really long talk in January and he told me that he thought we'd be good together and that he wanted to put up with me and lalala... 


Okay... I can like, barely see what I'm typing cause it's too bright for me so I'm gonna get going. Hopefully get some sleep tonight and driving back home in the morning. My dentist appointment was cancelled- thank god! And hopefully I'm well enough to get my nails done Saturday, or even Sunday morning.


Love you all ღ

Ugh...

I hate never being able to sleep. I'm up 2 hours before my alarm- throat hurts, nose is bothering me, left ear is bothering me, nauseous as fuck... I'm eating crackers right now. Like what the fuck? Why the fuck am I sick? I hate college. I've been taking vitamin C every fucking day... I've already took cold medicine today too. I'm soo tired. I really wish I didn't feel sick every single god damn morning and that college kids didn't always make me fucking sick. Wehh...

I can't do this right now...

I'm exhausted. I have a headache. I'm a shitty dancer... and a shitty choreographer. I'm stupid. I'm not pretty enough. I haven't been eating, but I've been eating too much. I can't sleep. I'm confused. I'm already starting to slack in class. I keep thinking about my razors. I.... I don't even know.


And the funny thing is that after tanning I went to class and was having a somewhat decent body day for what my body is and I was feeling pretty good. And something totally unrelated to my body happens and it all goes to hell. I look bigger, feel bigger, am bigger. And then I have that to worry about on top of whatever the hell is really bothering me. Oh damn... can stress bring on distorted body image? Whatever. Fuck it.

Oy vey....

So... do you guys remember C? And that whole situation?? Well.... he sent me a facebook IM yesterday and said he had a surprise for me. Now- I'm thinkin' he's gonna be around the area where school is for a weekend or coulpe weeks or whatever....


No.


He's moving back! Like... oh my god! Now- he's still a few states away from either home for me or school.... but he's on the same coast, in the same time zone!


He's coming back in like 2 weeks. And his birthday is coming up.... so he wants to go celebrate his 21st and he asked if I could go. So I guess I'm seeing him in 3 weeks. Like- just when I've accepted the fact that I'll never see him again.


So... as usual, he asks me if I'm seeing anyone and my response was something along the lines of "haha, no." At one point he said he knows I'm crazy, and that's why he likes me. He also said I'm cool and interesting and that's why he hasn't forgotten about me. He said I intrigue him. He asked why I think I'm so crazy and I never really gave him a straight answer- somehow that turned into him saying "beauty comes with a price" and that it's a curse which he was sure I knew- so I told him I would just take his word for it. He said I didn't have to, that I already know.... and I just responded "if you say so". And then he says "you don't have to think you're beautiful, I'll just do it for you". Like... why does he say shit like this to me?!? I thought I was finally over this whole situation and now he says sweet things like that and he's moving back and he wants to see me!! Oh my god!!


And I know that he's the kind of guy that it honestly doesn't matter what my weight is... but just knowing that he's expecting me to be smaller because I was tiny the last time he saw me and now I'm at least 30-40 or possibly much, much more than that is just.... I can't. I'm like freaking out. I know he won't care. I hope he won't care. I don't think he will... but I've gained so much weight since I've last seen him. 


I dunno. I have to go to class... and auditions are tonight. Mehh... okay. Bye ღ ღ

Guess who's choreographing?!?

Not me!!!


Whatever. It's not like this dance was important to me or anything... it was only about the moment I decided not to kill myself. No big deal.


Oh... and somehow finding out I wouldn't be choreographing set me off and I ended up having a bit of a meltdown via text with T. Fuck. As if he didn't think I was crazy enough. He was trying to help- he really was. And I know a lot of what he said is true... but I'm just crazy... when I get up the courage to go back and reread the texts I'll let you guys know exactly what happened....


Okay- screw it... I'll do it now. I meant to text him and just be happy and ask when I was gonna see him next cause I might be around a bit more this week- but that never happened.


Me: Heyy :)
Him: Hey whats up
Me: Just on my way back to [school]. What are you up to?
Him: Just hangin out and drinkin a little. Why were ya home?
Me: I had a thing yesterday.... that I skipped
Him: Lol a thing? And why did ya skip it?
Me: Lol yeah a thing. I don't really know why. I think it was just getting too hard.
Him: What was it?
Me: A support group
Him: For what? That's nice
Me: For eating disorders. I started going over the summer.
Him: Are you in or helping?
Him: You don't have to answer if you don't want.
Me: No. I'm in it. Or was. I'm not sure if I'm going back anymore.
Him: Why wouldn't you go back?
Me: It's too hard
Him: It needs to be...
Me: I know but I can't fix it
Him: There is nothing to fix, you just need to realize you have to like yourself and be healthy doing it.
Me: I know. But the group made me realize one of the main reasons I have an eating disorder and it's something that's totally out of my control.
Him: What is that?
Me: I'm afraid that everyones gonna leave me.
Him: That is crazy your friends are your friends.
Him: They would rather you be healthy.
Me: Not just friends though. Like- my parents aren't gonna be around forever. Either people choose to leave or they die.
Him: Your friends won't leave you and yeah people die but that's where you meet more people.
Me: But I don't know how to deal with that.
Me: Sorry. I know I'm just crazy.
Him: Yeah it's okay haha 

End of conversation.


Oh... and I guess I should mention that I skipped group this week. Yeah... after the whole 9/11 realization it's kind of really hard...

Still Don't See It

One thing I forgot to mention yesterday is that my shirt also said GORGEOUS on it, haha. So anyway, I did it again today- it was slightly less successful. More jiggly bits. Ughh.


But I was told I lost weight again. I really hate this girl but she actually said I looked really skinny. I mean, I know I don't. But obviously she would say something- all she notices are peoples bodies. I hate that. The other girl that told me had said something because she kinda sorta knows about my ED and the first person to tell me was my mom.


I'm proposing that piece I half talked about for our concert tomorrow. I haven't really talked with the director of the program about much of anything since I've been back so I guess we'll see if she has anything to say.


I'm really, really hoping this piece gets into the concert!! I'll find out Saturday night though.

Monday Monday

You are all so sweet! Thank you <3 I'm sorry my posts have been so negative... but I am going to partially blame that on my period (which I got the morning after the last time I cut). Funny thing... I normally end up cutting around my period. And of course get more emotional which usually means depressed.

But I had a pretty good day today (so far). I faced a fear by wearing short sleeves to dance. I always were long, not because of scars, but because of jiggly fat... but I just looked away or closed my eyes when I danced. 


I'm working on things. I do still want to loose some more weight and gain my confidence... but I am also working really hard on doing it in a healthy way and not restricting too much, or at all, but, you know...


Anyway... that's all! Just thought I would give you guys a bit of a less negative post today :)
The suicidal feeling kind of passed... or isn't as strong right now. I think until I am really confident again and enjoying life I will struggle with those thoughts. As long as I'm not acting on them though, I think we're okay.


xx

**Triggering**

I'm so torn between wanting to recover and wanting to die.


On one hand- I hate feeling so sick all the time, I hate fighting myself, I that the simplest things in life are the hardest for me...


But on the other hand- I'm thinking if I could just starve myself so I was thin again, not to death, but just very thin, and with a really weak heart... then I could just down a bottle of pills be done with it. Like, I just want to be sick enough than any suicide attempt would be sure to be successful.


I would do something I really enjoy... have the best night of my life... and then- POOF! I'm gone.

Okay then....

Thank you all so much for your comments- they really mean a lot to me. You guys are seriously amazing.


So anyway... I'm going to my grandparents tomorrow with my mom. I need to find times to go tanning- for real, this is getting a bit ridiculous. I'll definitely go Tuesday but I should get some time in on weekends too.

My collarbones are starting to really feel and I guess look prominent. My mom said something last week about me loosing weight over the summer. I can kind of see how my jeans are baggy now. Someone also told me I lost weight when I got back to school, she noticed the baggy jeans first... but they haven't been washed in a while! 


I dunno. I don't see it yet... not at all... but I hope I keep loosing.  

33 Weeks

So... Monday night I was feeling SO ready to tackle my ED recovery workbooks and really get back into it. I was looking through all of my things and super excited to start back on track with the workbook section in the end of Regain Yourself... but then Tuesday night happened.

I'm still not 100% sure what that was about but whatever. I talked to my pilates instructor and have set up my privates with her and will be going to the Monday morning 7-9am class (except this year I won't be in the teaching rotation!!) She said if I can commit to it and go regularly, which will be no biggie for me, then she will can have a specific task for me. But in any case I will be able to sort of coach the group going through the process now.


So something else that happened this week you guys might like to know... I had scheduled therapy for Wednesday afternoon. And after Tuesday night... I was really needing it. But I got an e-mail and voicemail from the office around noon (maybe earlier but I got it at noon) saying that my therapist was out sick and we would have to reschedule.


Now of course, that put a bit of a damper on things. And, of course, I still haven't rescheduled. I don't know if I can do it again. That is honestly the hard part and the problem with the counseling center at school is I don't think they give enough credit to the students who are willing to take that risk or face that fear or whatever (it's both for me). So... I'm not sure about that yet. We'll see. 


Anyway... I'm home now. For the weekend. 


I have no friends here.
I have no friends at school.


I fucking hate this.


But I will try to relax this weekend. I have 33 weeks until graduation (not including breaks for holidays and the week between terms). Driving home all I could think was, "I don't think I can last 33 more weeks of this". I broke down before the end of day 2 and have been a bit out of sorts ever since. 33 weeks is a long time when every day seems to last forever. It's a long time when you have no one to talk to, no one to hang out with, no one who ever calls or texts you. 33 weeks is a long time when you're stuck alone with your thoughts and behaviors. 33 weeks is forever in a place you hate.

Morning...

I have never been more ashamed of cutting than I am right now. I can't believe myself. It had been one month... and now FAT will forever be in my leg. I'll see what I can do with Neosporin and scar therapy gels but I see it every time I look down. And I'm not sore at all from dancing but I can feel the cuts which may affect my dancing today... I'll try not to let it.

I have therapy today... I haven't told him about cutting in the past. And I don't know if I'm ready to because it's the first time I'm going back. I don't know if I ever will- it's not something I can admit out loud really. I did make myself have a muffin for breakfast this morning which I wasn't planning on doing. 


I had a very hard time sleeping last night... it was too hot then too cold then too hot. I dunno. But I woke up to birds instead of my alarm... that's cool I guess.


I don't want to say I regret cutting last night because I try to live my life with no regrets and I don't want to be that person that regrets everything in life- but I do. I regret it. I wish I hadn't done it. I'm so unbelievably disappointed in myself right now.

I shouldn't be posting this...

I don't even know where to start- I don't want to go into details right now. I don't want to bring them back up. Maybe tomorrow I'll tell you the reasons why.

But I wasn't really eating so I made myself have a little something.... then I attempted to purge.... as always, I failed. Feeling like a failure I them proceeded to carve the word FAT into my leg. I shouldn't say carve, really. It wasn't that deep at all. But regardless, it wouldn't stop bleeding... after about 5 minutes though I got tired of seeing my grotesque leg and threw on a pair of sweats. There is blood on my shirt, through my sweats, and I think some on the sink....


I'm such a fucking failure. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me... I thought things were going so well.

I guess not.

Maybe I'll just be like this forever.

Wow...

So I haven't gotten to dance as much in the last few weeks because there has been no class- but that hasn't stopped me from going in and dancing on my own or sitting in a straddle on the floor while I was doing something else.


I just find it funny that most of these girls have been on campus and taking class all summer yet they are all super sore today. Yes, I am a little sore in some of my tighter areas... but nothing limiting... and I was at all of my dance classes at least 30 minutes early to stretch.


This is one of the reasons I want to leave this program for grad school. The girls here don't believe in dance like I do. They don't believe in the power it has like I do. They don't have the love or passion for it that I do.


It's ridiculous.

First Day of School

I think things went well.

Mondays I have dance from 9am-noon and 430pm-730pm. A few of my teachers kind of know why I was gone and that I have been trying to get my life back on track and figure a lot out. They are so supportive. I'm so not used to having so many supportive people in my life... I feel almost like it's a bit overwhelming.


My first class, we talked about how even negative self talk to ourselves is not aloud because it's not respectful and how we should totally love who we are.
My second class, we talked about learning to accept where you are and not be ashamed of that... we also talked about how no matter how amazing you are at something- you could always be better.
My last two (same teacher) we talked about accepting where we are today in our bodies and being with that so we can improve in a healthy way.

The first and last teacher I think may have somewhat directed what they were talking about at me...


I also saw the program director for a little this morning... I'll see here again tomorrow at some point during the day and then when we have our dance major meeting and ensemble meeting at night.

It was a very positive day. Overall, it went well. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

APARTMENT!!!

So I'm back at school. My parents just left. I'm feeling... okay... I really do hate that the only overhead light is in the kitchen, it is SO dark in here. I mean I have lamps and things but I like it to be really, really bright!! Maybe I'll buy more lamps :)

Back to School...

Feeling a little sad right now... not happy with my body, but I think I've lost. I haven't been tanning in forever. I'm white as fuck and have huge bags under my eyes.

I'm moving back to my apartment tomorrow... classes start Monday. I think I'm a bit nervous... being on my own and all. I dunno...

But I'm on my way to bed. I feel like I've been really negative lately... and I do think a huge part of it has to do with 9/11. My fear of people leaving me. Being home alone on 9/11 the first time it hit my that I almost lost my dad... thinking of all the other times I came so close to loosing him... not having J, the one person I ever hung out with when I was home around. Being alone... alone with the feeling of how close I came to loosing someone... I think I need to accept that that's a lot... 


I'm nervous about starting individual therapy... I dunno if it's gonna help. I dunno what it's gonna do that's gonna help... 


I love autumn... it's my favorite season... but I love it even more when I'm in a body I like and wearing cute clothes. It's not as much fun this way... I just feel so tired all the time. 


I'm sorry I haven't been very positive... I'm working on it. There's just so much going through my head all the time.

And I really wish I had someone to cuddle with tonight... I hate sleeping alone... and sometimes Teddy just isn't enough. I like to be wrapped up in the other persons arms...

Anyway... goodnight lovelies <3
I will try to get back to reading everyone's blog when I'm back at school... sorry I've been so terrible about that. I love you all though.

My New Schedule

And crossing my fingers they don't try to fuck with anything I have planned for winter and spring term because if they do, I'm SHIT OUTTA LUCK! 

Stressin...

I am so seriously beyond fucking stressed right now. I hate my school... with a passion. Crossing my fingers I can fucking graduate on time after spending hours doing scheduling because ANOTHER class was cancelled... we start in less than a week! Way to tell me... everything is full. Fuck my life. I hate them. I hate this. I can't wait to be out of that shit hole. 


And on top of it  fucking forgot to do my work for tomorrow... so much for laundry, sleep, and shower. I guess I'll just wear old clothes smell and be non functional on my last day of work.

Fuck.

Gross

I'm fat and starving. I don't understand!! Why the FUCK am I so hungry right now? And my chest hurts... meh...

Welcome to my life.

Yesterday

Ais- you are NOT a shit friend <3 I love you!!

So... I'm not going to say much right now... I'll just say that yesterday was hard. For all of my ABers, you may or may not have read my thread (I marked it as triggering so don't read it just to read it).

It was just the first time I was feeling how 9/11 affected me emotionally I guess.

I had another attempted purge, which hasn't happened in a long time... but again, it was attempted. I end up doing nothing more than gagging myself and spitting a lot... which then makes me feel like a failure because I can't even purge right.

I was very lonely last night which was not helping the situation... I needed to get out but there was no one I could go out with... and for once it wasn't because of food (well, I guess it never really is... kind of... but I knew what the real issue was)... and I had no one to be there for me. As usual. I guess this is why I've turned to the coping mechanisms I use. They prefer isolation. I'm just allowing myself to fit into the little niche this world has made for me.


And I don't feel like I'm isolating myself at this point. I really feel like the world is isolating me...

It's fine though.
Whatever.

**EDIT**
So I'm laying on my stomach on my bed right now, and it's really bothering my ribs... fuck...

Feeling

I feel physical sensations... but I don't feel emotions... and when I do- they aren't whole, they mask themselves as something else (like anger), I have no way of expressing them, I can not process them, I never ride them out.


But when I'm bloated, when I'm cramped up, when my chest hurts, when I'm starving and empty, when I hit myself, when I pull my hair, when I put the cold blade to my skin, when I pinch myself... those things I feel.

Friends... pshhh...

I see all these girls laughing and smiling and having fun with their friends.... it's all over the place. Facebook, tumblr, around town, at school, on TV, EVERYWHERE.

I don't have that. I can't have that.


Here are my friends:


T- goes to school in another state, always working, currently phone-less
K- we go long periods without seeing each other and then catch up when we can
G- have classes with her at school, but never really hung out with her outside of class
T (ex)- we talk occasionally, see each other even less, usually i'm the one initiating the conversation...


AWESOME.

It's not just that I feel lonely... I AM lonely... I have NO ONE. I fucking hate this. I hate it so much.

Seriously?

I'm on my new computer. I'm also throwing a bitch fit. I fucking hate iTunes. FUCK! Stop autocorrecting me!! Ugh! I hate this right now... my music is THE MOST important thing on my laptop and of course iTunes is retarded and I can't get it over and then I loose my playlists and then I'm missing songs and then I have extra songs that have long been deleted and then I have to go through and uncheck all of the shit that doesn't fit on my iPod cause I have so damn much and then I have to go through and rename like 85% of the files and it just stresses me out to no end!


So I have zero music on here- we tried to do the thing where you consolidate your library (which hopefully gets all my music... I mean I have stuff that is friends' music that they sent to me via email and I just downloaded it and mixes that I've made). But anyway, there isn't enough space on my old laptop to even do that because it has to copy all of your music files and my music takes up most of the space to begin with.


And it's way to fucking cold in this house. I swear, I'm wrapped in a blanket and even the blanket is cold. I'm shivering so much it fucking hurts. 


Ugh, so last thing about the computer... who has a mac? Why can't I hold down a key and type the letter like 500 times? I don't want a fucking spanish "A", I want to be fucking obnoxious! How do I change that?


Okay... so I am now wrapped in a blanket in the garage with the door wide open because it is way to fucking cold. My dad knows it to but no one can touch the thermostat. God forbid.


Oh... and the best part of all of this- I had a really good day today... I had some major breakthroughs in how I'm thinking and viewing the world and people and I'm going to choreograph a dance with this amazing concept which I wanted to tell you guys about... but I just can't do that right now. I can't get into that space, I am in the total opposite side of thinking right now. I really wish I had gotten some of that into words while it was still fresh.


So yesterday I had like 500 calories, if that.
Today I had my usual breakfast, a fiber one bar, some grapes, turkey chili, and a marshmallow... not in that order really though... but whatever.


Today is 16 days no cutting... we'll see if I calm down some before I head upstairs... I think i already have... i was pulling my hair out a little earlier (like, literally, I pull my hair).


I'll try to spend the morning getting back into that juicy, yummy, creative place I was in this morning tomorrow morning BEFORE I start diving into all this computer nonsense. It's not like I have anything else to do or like I have any friends at all.


Oh... but I do have to bring my car in to the shop in the morning. Fuck.
I'll see what I can do... 


This is really long, I'm sorry... I'm just venting about everything and nothing, as usual. I just want my fucking music and I'll be happy. I think...


Well... I guess I'm off now to do other nonsense things... or maybe sleep? Ehh... whatever.

PAINTING

Haha, oh my god, so I finally started. It's not finished yet though...

It's going to also say "LOVE YOURSELF" and I don't know if there will be anything else or not... we'll have to see how it looks.

I kind of suck at painting... like, really bad. But I'm not going to judge it... especially when it isn't a finished products.
I like, don't want my parents to see it. I don't know if they know the NEDA symbol or not but either way once it says "LOVE YOURSELF" I don't... yeah... I just don't want them seeing it.

I think...

I have a lot more social anxiety than I realized...

I took an online test also... well multiple... and they all say it's not a diagnosis (obviously) but that it's highly likely I do have some sort of social anxiety disorder...

Things that I do...

• hold my breathe when close to another person so they won't feel me breathe on them
• avoid situations with more than one person who is not already a close friend of mine
• I have an extreme lack of any sort of social life
• constantly answer with "I don't know" because I don't want to be judged...
• pinch myself in public situations just so I have something else to focus on
• I'm always early places but I will drive around or take the long way so it looks like I'm not too early
• if I ever end up saying/doing something awkward, I can spend days thinking about it wishing I could undo it
• I hate having to call people I don't know on the phone
• I'm constantly spraying myself with body spray because I think I smell bad and I don't want other people to smell me... 
• I never know what to say
• when I do know what to say I can't get it out so I end up not saying anything
• I hate being the one to start a conversation all the time
• when I'm out and I see someone I know (like at a store or something) I tend to run the other direction/hide behind something
• I can't really eat in public (may be more ED related...)
• I can't make friends...

There are more... I dunno... maybe I'm just over-reacting. I don't want to look too much into it cause I don't want to start diagnosing myself with shit. I'll talk to my therapist about it when I start back up in a few weeks.

This might sound dumb but can you like... develop social anxiety disorder? Like, I feel like I didn't have so many of these problems until high school/college... I had friends until I lost them in high school... Ugh... I dunno.

Here's how you know you have a distorted body image...

I looked in the mirror at my stomach and though "maybe I did loose weight".

Went to look again... the next 3 times I did I looked so much bigger than the first time and no matter what I did there wasn't the room to suck in anymore and see what I thought I saw the first time.

Well... 3 beats 1.
I'm fat.

I really fucking hate my life...

Like- today had the potential to be a good day... but because I have no friends I ended up sitting at home all day with absolutly nothing to do... just wasting the hours away, as I have so many times before. And now I'm like, about to fucking cry cause I'm all depressed and hate everything.


And it's times like these when I really start tearing my body apart...
- my eyebrows suck
- I'm not tan enough
- my stomach isn't flat enough
- my hips are too wide
- there too much everything on my legs
- my skin isn't clear enough
- my eyes are retarded
- my hairs a fucking mess
- my nails are uneven
- my arms jiggle
- that damn freckle on my hand
-my jawline isn't defined enough
- i have an ass... and way too much of it


The list goes on and on...


I just unfriended J on facebook again. I'm sick and tired of this fucking BULLSHIT. Like, you have NO IDEA how pissed off I am right now... and maybe I'm not... maybe I'm just upset... but when I'm upset I get pissed cause that's just easier. Whatever. She's like the one person I talk to everyday. She's the one person I hang out with when I'm home.

But then she goes and pulls this shit. Yeah- not okay...

In case you didn't see, this is our last conversation...

Me: You know, if you have a problem with me for some reason... I'd really love to know.J: No I don't have anything against you, last convo we had ended on good terms. I just have a lot of personal stuff going on and I know you do as well so I thought it would be best if we gave each other some space.
Me: Well I don't need space, I need friends.
J: It's good that you're reaching out but I do know you have other people to talk to and I think I may need some space. I don't think we would be getting along all that well right now with our own issues going on.
Me: It's not about having someone to talk to, I don't need someone to talk to. It's about having someone who's there. But if you can't do that then fine.
J: I'm sorry I don't think I can detach like that. I don't wanna bother you with my stuff and I always have all-or-nothing thinking. I feel guilty every time I reach out to someone, esp. you cause I know you have stuff going on. Hence the space.
Okay? Cool. Well, I'm done now.
Bye.

I miss you.

And not just like... you... but being with you, talking every day, hanging out after class every night, cuddling in your bed, watching movies together, holding hands, kissing in the snow, talking to you, everything...

I know it doesn't make, like, any sense... and I know that you probably don't feel the same way... but I really wish we could try again. I want to try now that I'm less likely to mess it all up. 


You weren't an asshole to me... ever. I just told myself that you were because I was afraid to let you in, afraid to let someone get close... but you've showed me that I don't have to be afraid. I still am- but I'm willing to try. I'm willing to open up and not fight with you. 


I just want to see you... I just need one of your super long I'm-not-ready-to-let-go-yet hugs.


I just want to lay with you and look up at the clouds... look at the stars... talk about everything and nothing...

I want to try.

I JUST WANNA BE SKINNY!!!

Oh my fucking god!!

Just more proof...

I'm bored out of my fucking mind.

And
I
don't
have
a
single
fucking
friend
I
can
call
right
now
to
go
out.

Want. Want. Want. Me. Me. Me.

I want to be able to go out to lunch with friends.


I want to go on a date and have a boy take me to a restaurant.


I want to go spend hours at the mall shopping and trying on clothes.


I want to lay on the beach and get a nice tan.


I want to dive in a pool and swim under water.


I want to order pizza and stay in watching a movie.


I want to have a girls night in that includes ice cream and snacks.


I want to be given chocolates on Valentine's Day and not freak out about it.


I want to have money for things other than diet pills, laxatives, razors, and mederma.


I want to put on an outfit and feel confident.


I want to believe people when they tell me I'm beautiful.


I want go get together with friends and order chinese food.


I want breakfast in bed.


I want to not be thinking about my body every time someone touches me or hugs me.


I want to sit on a guys lap and be okay.


I want to have a guy pick me up without freaking out.


I want to go out with no makeup on.


I want to know what I'm feeling.


I want to stay in bed all day because I want to be with the other person, not because I can't get myself out.


I want to share a milkshake.


I want to fucking live.




But none of that's gonna happen, is it?

Some things I forgot to tell you...

Wow... so updates...

Okay... it's been one week (today) since I cut. It was the day after I got my hair cut. I think I forgot to mention that... wow... this has been a long week I feel like it's been 2.

Anyway, it's healing up pretty nicely except for the one kinda sorta deep cut... it'll be fine though. 


I feel like there's so much that I really don't even know...

Let's talk about J. I know I told you guys about the morning I went to group and that whole conversation, right? Well We haven't talked since that day. We haven't talked in like a month. So the other night I send her a text... I'll just recap the whole conversation for you guys.

Me: You know, if you have a problem with me for some reason... I'd really love to know.
J: No I don't have anything against you, last convo we had ended on good terms. I just have a lot of personal stuff going on and I know you do as well so I thought it would be best if we gave each other some space.
Me: Well I don't need space, I need friends.
J: It's good that you're reaching out but I do know you have other people to talk to and I think I may need some space. I don't think we would be getting along all that well right now with our own issues going on.
Me: It's not about having someone to talk to, I don't need someone to talk to. It's about having someone who's there. But if you can't do that then fine.
J: I'm sorry I don't think I can detach like that. I don't wanna bother you with my stuff and I always have all-or-nothing thinking. I feel guilty every time I reach out to someone, esp. you cause I know you have stuff going on. Hence the space.


1) Our last conversation did NOT end on good terms. She just stopped responding mid-conversation. Not okay.
2) My BIGGEST ISSUE is the overwhelming fear that everyone in the world is going to leave me. She's aware of this fear. Gee, thanks for proving me right!
3) I am NOT just going to be friends with someone only when it's convenient for them. That is not how shit works.
4) Don't talk to me like you're my fuckin' therapist. Hell- if a therapist ever talked to me like that, I wouldn't continue seeing them. I am a fucking human being. I'm not some project or experiment or something to be analyzed.

Okay, enough about J. Now I am going to tell you about my revelation that I forgot about until just now. So I have an eating disorder. I self harm. Dance is my life. Dance is why I'm hear. As a dancer- my body is my instrument. So obviously when I'm hating myself I take it out on my body. I hurt the one thing that gives me the most. The thing I should be loving the most. It seems to be a slow method of self destruction.

Now for the last thing- T. Yes, T as in my ex-boyfriend. I think I'm falling for him. Crap. FUCK MY LIFE. I was talking to him a few nights ago and I told him I missed him. And he didn't respond. And then later that night I get a phone call from him. That like... never happens. So I pick up and the first thing he says is "hey gorgeous". I didn't even get mad... because he knows me well enough now... and he knows I don't see it... but he really, really wants me to. Anyway, it was a short conversation. Small talk type stuff. When I'm coming back to school... I've been gone all summer... blah blah blah. It was great though... except the way it ended. There was some kind of noise in the background and was like "gotta go" real quick and hung up...

I dunno. I really, really do miss him though. Like more than just seeing him. I miss being with him.

Anyway... other than my flooded basement and all that crap I think I've got you updated on the events of my life in the last week or so.

xx